The Devil's New Device
by LadyTigerFuyuko
Summary: Dante's been left at the office to wait on a special and ohsosecret package that Lady's having delivered, while the girls go out to shop. What a waste of his day, right? Oneshot. No pairings.


**Fuyuko: Well, this isn't what I'm supposed to be writing, but hey, I can't help it if a few random ideas come trickling in and need the satisfaction of being let out. **

**Dante: That's just your excuse, you chump.**

**Lady: You'd rather she continue her other story? **

**Dante: …No. I'd rather if she left me alone!**

**Disclaimer-Bot: Given the author chick's odd and unreasonable obsession with pixilated young men, I can certify that there is a 99.4713 per cent chance of her leaving you or the young lady alone. However, I can also assure the both you that this fic is much safer for your sanity, if not that of the readers. I can also disclaim that the author chick does not own you or DMC, as Capcom has you licensed.**

**Fuyuko: Yeah, yeah, I don't own no devils or guns or anything like that. Blegh. **

**&**

**Devil's New Device**

**&**

"I'm having it delivered today, Dante, so make sure you're at the office. Trish, Nevan, and I are going shopping for Lucia's birthday gift."

"Don't you mean gifts? I know the three of you won't agree on what to buy her."

"Were you even listening?" The brunette woman's bi-colored orbs scanned the face of the half-devil in front of her, a glare forming in them out of peevishness. The recipient merely tossed his head and snorted, as if her question needed no answer. "Nevermind. Just stay put until we get back."

"Guess that means I ain't answerin' the door then Lady."

"Dante." There was a clearly recognizable and very familiar tone of frustration in her voice. She resisted the urge to smack him, however, choosing instead to spin on her heel and march stiff-legged towards the other two women in the room, a voluptuous red-head in a Gucci and a tall blonde in black leather. The white-haired man watched all three of them coolly from his leaned back position in an old green cushioned armchair behind an even older desk. As all three women turned hard, commanding stares on his relaxed figure, he let out a low whistle, and chuckling, responded.

"Alright, alright, I'll sit right here and wait for this oh-so-special-and-secret package, ladies. I got it covered, so just go outside, hike to the mall, beat up some leering thugs, and buy your presents."

Exasperated, the three women did leave the private 'detective agency' known as Devil May Cry. The blonde was shaking her head, causing long hair to swing across her hips, the red-head laughed huskily, revealing too sharp teeth behind full lips, and the brunette just sighed to cover for the smile in her mismatched eyes.

Watching the double doors swing shut behind them, the half-devil kicked his feet up on the old dark brown desk and smiled broadly.

"Good."

&

'_Or maybe not,'_ he found himself thinking barely forty minutes later. Because now he was bored. Really, really bored, having already exhausted almost every single source of amusement available to him in such a short time. He'd answered a few prank calls, thrown darts at the beefcake poster Nevan had put up to annoy him, played pool and mastered a new trick shot, jammed on his drum set, rocked out to the radio, ordered and eaten two large pizzas, and folded a paper crane out of some piece of paper that'd been taking up space on his desk. He'd also polished the glass on his mother's photo, and wished that it wasn't fading. Really, though, the only thing he had left to do in the front office was sit in his chair and whistle under his breath like a lunatic.

Well, and look at the clock, but that didn't do much for him besides tick him off, since he didn't know when the delivery-boy was going to bring the package by and was really only watching the second hand drag meaninglessly around. _'If she'd have told me when this super-secret package was gonna get here, then I'd have something better to do.' _Not necessarily true, since work had been slow lately and he didn't need any supplies, like bullets, wards, or groceries. He didn't think he needed groceries at least, and didn't really care, since he knew from his mid-morning pizza snack that there was a 24 pack of tomato juice. Groceries were Trish's job anyway.

He glanced at the clock again. Crap, it was still only 10:16 in the morning, and they weren't planning on being home until 'after lunch', which could be anytime from noon to three. 10:17. _'At least I passed a minute. Even if it was a waste.'_

He needed something to do now, and bad. He could throw some more darts, but he didn't want to get electrocuted by Nevan for destroying her junk either, even if it wouldn't kill him. Taking Ebony out of his desk drawer, Dante twirled his black custom gun in his left hand, idly. Maybe she wouldn't notice a few bullet holes in the poster guy's fat ass. He took aim and fired off a few quick rounds, blowing off the end of the barrel afterwards. Nah, she wouldn't notice those. Besides, they actually helped outline the butt she called cute and delicious. Ha.

Sighing heavily as if he were dying, the devil hunter began to idly pick at his black vest. Nevan had confiscated his old red trench coat and ordered him to start dressing a bit nicer, since he wasn't a punk teenager anymore by a long shot. Grumpy about the loss of a perfectly good coat, he'd gone out and bought a black vinyl vest and red leather suit. Even the pants were bright red. He'd been wearing the same type of suit with slight vest variations for a few years now, even though Lady and a few others thought it was a particularly garish pimp suit. This particular black vest had silver skull charms that dangled off black buckles down the middle.

He personally thought it was the perfect vest for a devil hunter, but the women outvoted him by saying that it just looked morbid. _'Morbid for demons maybe, since each of these skulls has a little something special on it.'_ A characteristic smirk spread across his face as he thought about the charms he was sporting. They really were the latest in hunter fashion.

Flicking a conspicuous piece of white lint to the wooden floor, Dante glared through his white bangs at the grandfather clock in his office. Half past ten. Jeez, could this day go any slower? At this rate, he'd have been better of shopping with the girls, even if they would have driven him insane. At least he'd have been amused while he went crazy then, instead of being a bored lunatic. _'Yeah, what guy wouldn't be amused by three babes dragging him around?'_

Really, he knew that wouldn't have been the amusing part for him these days, since he didn't have time to pick up any chicks and in office dating could get seriously life threatening for him. The real fun probably would have been listening to them squabble, because any chick fight was a good one, and his ladies really knew how to hit where it hurt, especially with their words.

Trish and Nevan, for example, had probably made a beeline for Vivacious Vixens or something, claiming that Lucia needed to come into her own as a woman. Lady'd probably have been able to stomach that for all of the five minutes it took her to notice they weren't looking for Lucia's size, before barbing them with the quip that maybe they weren't such good succubi if they needed push-ups and lace to get a guy. Then the three of them would have vacated the premises for shop two.

Shop two would have been her call, he knew, and the semi-conservative brunette would have headed for The Gunns and Funns Bros. If he'd have been with them, he'd have made for the glass case in the back like an ant to cookies, while Lady would have perused every single case on the way back to join him, trying to throw the two demonesses off her true aim. Not to happen though, as the blonde and red-head would have tolerated such blatant love of destructive weaponry for only as long as it took to admire the swords hanging on the walls and then would have cornered Lady. Trish would mention that the neighbor man didn't look like the trigger happy type and Nevan would have purred that a nice tankini would catch his eye during a workout.

After hauling each other out of the weapons dealer's store, the three women would have stopped at El Choco-Latte for a quick pick-me-up on the shopping field. Shopping was dangerous and tiring work, so they'd need all the fast, sugary, and caffeinated aid they could get. He could almost taste the rich dark chocolate syrup, creamy fudge, and whipped cream in his chosen frozen Dark Death Mocha now. _'So good…I hope they buy me one and bring it back for all this work I'm doing here…'_ Dante's tongue swiped the drool off his lower lip without his thinking about it.

Eyes glassy from the vision of his perfect treat, the white-haired hunter fell even further into his daydream about shopping with three of his co-workers. He knew from past experience that the women would tease him during their fuel up session, mostly by swapping embarrassing mission stories about him. Then, they'd throw away the evidence of their splurge, each one knowing the consequences of leaving behind clues to their path through the mall. Enraged mall personnel, there was nothing worse, not even Mundus.

Proceeding on from their favored pit-stop, the three women would have veered inevitably for the nearby Penny Pricer, stocking up on cheap candy, ceramic figurines, still too expensive make-up, sappy and smutty romance novellas, and those other things that he and every other male preferred to forget about. By the time they'd reached the check out there, he'd have been forced to make it look like he staggered under the weight of their collective purchases. Leaving the store with everything tucked in plastic bags and his wallet somehow seventy to eighty dollars lighter, the half-devil could at least tote things without his strength being found odd. _'I'm a man, I'd better be able to carry around a few gigantic bags of junk.'_

Finally, the women would pass a dozen or more stores by making jibes at each other over whether or not a particular one of them wanted to go into a store for Lucia or for herself. In this way, they'd usually rule out a bookstore, an antiques dealer, a punk and a chic clothier, a sweets shop, a jeweler's, a designer doll manufacturer, a video game and movie center, a personalized gift shop, and a sports supplier. Frustrated and fighting amongst themselves, the three would eventually turn their blazing eyes on him, demanding that he, in his infinitely and unarguably sound judgement, pick a store.

'_And me, being the wonderfully helpful, smart, and sexy guy that I am, would have chosen the best place for all three to find the perfect gift. Your handy-dandy, perfectly good department store.'_ Even in his somewhat stupefied state, the half-devil's lips cracked a smug grin at his ingenuity. Really, women were such bad shoppers, they never knew how to buy a good gift. Man had obviously created the department store to eliminate such mindless and tormenting shopping searches, but women had yet to see the light, as far as Dante knew…

Still daydreaming about shopping with the three women, the agile half-devil toppled out of his chair when the doorbell rang. He hissed from the floor, half a noise of pain and half one of surprise, having never really gotten used to the sharper sound in the restored shop after returning from Mallet Island.

Grumbling to himself, Dante rose from his fallen position, righting the desk chair with a bang. His eyes slid to the grandfather clock as he passed by it on the way to the double doors, noting with less surprise and more irritation that it was still only a quarter to twelve.

"Probably just some lousy door-to-door salesman. Shame it's illegal to shoot at them for the hell of it."

His white hair fell over his eyes as he paced towards the door, not bothering to move Ebony from the exposed holster on his thigh. Wrenching open the left door with a minimal amount of his strength, the half-devil found himself presented with a grey-suited delivery man with an even grayer beard and hair.

"Judging by your sign, this is the right place, even if I can't find no matching numbers on your building."

"Depends. You supposed to deliver to a Devil May Cry?"

"That's what the lady said, said to bring both boxes here and make sure they got picked up."

"Lady, huh? So the super-secret package was a pair of packages…interesting…" Dante rubbed his clean-shaven chin thoughtfully, perplexed and eager to solve this new case before him. The delivery-man, figuring the punky looking guy in front of him was crazy, just shook his head and held out the clipboard he'd had tucked under one arm.

"Just sign here, buddy, so I can tell the boss it got delivered."

"Yeah, yeah, sure." Grasping the proffered clipboard, the not-so-crazy son of Sparda signed the name 'Dante A. Draps' to the sheet of paper on it. The delivery-man turned back to his idling truck, tipping his hat as he climbed into the seat and drove off. For his part, Dante gave the man a carefree wave and shifted his eyes over to the boxes.

He grinned at the unmarked pair of packages, the only clue as to their contents was their shape. Well. That was good, he could use the short-lived amusement of finding out what was inside them.

Hefting the tall, rectangular shaped box into his right arm lengthwise, he easily balanced the flatter and squarer box on top of its partner. The white-haired hunter turned back to the double doors of his shop, casually opening them without the least bit of struggle. He could tell from the weight they carried inside them though, that a normal human would have staggered under both, and would probably have needed to carry each inside separately. Setting the boxes down on the wooden floorboards next to his jukebox, the half-devil went to his desk to get a dagger.

He could just rip open the flimsy cardboard containers, but the last time he'd done that with a 'special delivery', he'd had a poorly constructed ward-bomb go off in his hands. Unfortunately for the poor fool who sent it, they'd stuck a return address card inside, assuming he'd die in the opening. _'Right. I wasn't born yesterday, and even if I had been, infant me would have been fine with that pathetic attempt.'_ As it was, his hands had healed up in seconds, and the ward had dissipated under the strain of trying to contain just the bit of power present in his fingers. Trish had been incensed anyway, and demanded that the fool get his just desserts. So they'd taken Alastor and Nevan and fried the stupid sender's circuit-breaker at his home, trashing it in the process, while he was asleep. Good wakeup call, Dante was sure.

Having picked a slender gold hued dagger that reflected magic, the devil hunter went to open the two packages Lady'd had delivered, blade sliding effortlessly through the clear duct tape. Neither box caused the tool in his right hand to reverberate and reflect anything, so he tossed it aside and tore into them with his bare hands. Both were stuffed with packaging peanuts, and held Styrofoam containers in their middles. _'Yep, very interesting indeed. Can't be guns, the post office would freak over that.'_

Which could only mean that whatever Lady had gotten delivered was something normal and probably harmless. Taking out the first Styrofoam container from the slender package, the devil hunter split the two halves apart to reveal a flat screen surrounded by durable black plastic that had some technology company's name on the back. Shrugging, because he thought it was just a new TV or something, Dante proceeded to remove a few packages of cables and an instruction manual from the same slender box before tossing it away, empty.

Moving on to the larger of the initial pair of boxes, he realized he had very little idea what it could contain, especially since the firs one had held a flat-screen TV. _'Moreover, should I be opening these or not? Lady never said, but I assume they were for me, because she does have a home address for her stuff to go to.'_ He hoped the packages had been meant for him, because he really did not want Lady mad at him. The last time that had happened, she'd been pissed enough to refuse to talk to him and things had gotten really nasty between them when he'd gone to her apartment to apologize, only to have jinxed explosives go off on him. The AK-47 he'd brought as a present had become slag metal, and the only reason they were friends again was because Enzo had begged them to get along and not destroy the neighborhood.

Heaving out a Styrofoam container that took up all the room in the larger box, the half-devil noted that it was quite a heavy piece for a normal human, and thinking it might be a stereo, ripped away the packaging. It was definitely not a stereo, although, he wasn't sure what it was exactly, either. Tall and rectangular, with many buttons and holes on both the front and back panels, the object was a mystery to him. He'd never seen anything like it, but he could tell by the matching company logo on its side that it did belong with the TV thing.

Placing both items on his desk, he began to sort through the various cables in the first package, tossing the manual to the floor. _'Who uses those silly things anyway?'_ The cables came in all sorts of lengths, and had several types of plugs on their ends, although he did notice that one was obviously a power cable and plugged it into a wall jack and the counterpart hole in the back of the big rectangular thing. The next wire he picked p looked liked it went into the back of the tall thing too, but the open end clearly did not go to the TV or the wall outlet. Dropping it, and picking up one that had an end that he plugged into the TV screen and another that he hooked into the big box thingy, the half-devil continued hooking up all the wires he could to their corresponding holes.

When he was finished, h stepped back to survey his work, just as he heard the voices of the three women from down by the corner. _'About time! I still have no clue what this thing is supposed to be, so Lady had better be able to explain.' _He was beginning to think the stupid things were just going to take up space on his desk, which was not cool. He hated useless junk.

"We're back! Did you miss us, sugar?" Nevan's husky voice came from his right side, and he could feel her blow air onto his earlobe seductively, before she walked away chuckling, swinging a large bag from Penny Pricer and a smaller, bright purple one from Vivacious Vixens. Trish stepped into his line of sight next, setting a matching small purple bag down on his armchair and placing a medium sized department store bag next to it on the floor.

"That's Lucia's gift from Nevan and I, since we decided she needed a better outfit or two."

"I see. And what did Lady get her?"

"I got her a new pair of scythes because she called me last night and complained that hers were getting dull. I see my packages arrived."

"Yeah. Just what the heck are these things anyway?" He hadn't turned around to look at her yet, but he could tell by the ensuing silence that se was staring at him. Trish was giving him a strange, almost shocked look too. _'What the hell is that for? It's not like I said something dirty.'_ Lady walked up beside him, and her slim white arm pushed the largest button on the front of the box thingy.

He heard the hum of electricity going through it, and watched as the TV screen lit up. Microsoft it said. Windows XP Professional it flashed. Hewlett-Packard it flared onto a colored background of 3-D boxes, before popping up an odd box with a flashing line in a white rectangle. Lady stepped away and grabbed some things that he'd missed in the larger box, and plugged them into the back of the tall rectangle box humming with electricity.

One he recognized as a keyboard, but the other, a round-ish blob with a flat bottom he was stumped over. She wiggled the strange round thing, then began typing. Letters appeared in the white rectangle, spelling out D-A-N-T-E. Dante. Now he was really confused, why was she putting his name in the box? Password protect the thing asked next, and Lady turned to him.

"Well, that can't be my decision, although I suggest you do protect your user account with a password. It's more private that way."

"Huh? What the hell is this thing? And why did you put my name up there? C'mon Lady, don't leave me in the dark." Trish and she both gave him that funny look again, and Nevan started laughing.

"See, sweeties? I told you he wouldn't know what a computer was."

"A computer? That's what that is? Awfully small for a computer."

"Welcome to the modern era, Dante. Computers don't take up whole rooms anymore, and they're a lot more efficient too. Incidentally, did you ever get that second phone line in here?"

"Yes. I never use it though, and I was thinking of getting rid of it. Why?"

"Just this little thing called the internet. Trust me, it will make getting jobs and keeping up with informants and coworkers a lot easier if you can e-mail them like a modern human being."

Shrugging of her mocking manner, the half-devil typed in a password with blinding speed. He'd have no problem remembering that one. Pressing the enter key, he watched as his new device started itself up, a multitude of pre-installed programs telling him everything was working properly. Lady went through the process of teaching him how to operate each one of the main programs, while Trish came back with a phone cable she plugged into the wall and computer tower, and together they hooked up the internet.

Nevan watched interestedly from the side, laughing when Trish pulled up some less than appropriate pictures with an internet search engine site. Dante just snorted, and caused Lady to blush when he proclaimed that all those men were small compared to him. Turning the whole ensemble so that it faced his big green armchair, the four of them worked with Dante's computer the rest of the afternoon, until everything was working properly and he was watching a favorite movie on Windows Media Player. Lady had left then, warning him not to destroy it, because she wasn't going to buy him a second one. Trish had sat down with him, wanting her own user account setup after the movie.

Needless to say, Dante soon became rather fond of the newest addition to Devil May Cry. It really did put him in better communication with Lady and a few of his more constant informants, like Enzo. Besides, the internet was fun; there were some very interesting things to be found with a search engine on it.

**&**

**Fuyuko: Well, aside from the totally lame ending, it was a pretty good one-shot. Bit long too, but hey, I prefer too long to too short. Oh and I obviously don't own any of the computer programs/companies mentioned. So don't go grabbing any lawyers or things like that.**

**Dante: Hey look, I found a picture of me on the web! I amsuch asexy beast.**

**Fuyuko: Don't let it go to your head. You wouldn't have the internet right now if it wasn't for plot bunnies and the Sims 2. **

**Lady: What does that have to do with anything?**

**Fuyuko: Nothing! Nothing at all! Really! …Um, so anyways, everyone review this and tell me what you think, because the plot bunnies demand feedback! And carrots, but that's besides the point. Damn plot bunnies.**


End file.
